HAVE WE LATELY COMMUNICATED WITH OUR CHILDREN?

Dr. Tesfa G. Gebremedhin

West Virginia University

Our children should know the facts. Once the facts of life are taught, it is possible for our children to make moral judgments appropriate to their level of intellectual and cultural development. We should be proud to teach our children the legacy of our history and cultural background and the discipline involved in making analytical judgments and understanding of social values and morality. We must teach our children that some useful standard of morality exist in our cultural practices and we need to understand that the superior virtue of our own social and cultural values should be respected and appreciated by our children. Really knowing the facts of life helps a lot, but it is not enough; patience and diligence in exercising judgment are also required. Knowing the facts, exercising moral judgments, and making the distinctions between wrong and right are all important in life; but even our best efforts to communicate with our children will not eliminate our fears, create perfect security, or enable us to perfectly predict the future welfare of our children. It is good to hope for the best and work toward our good intentions and desires, but at the same time we must be aware and be realistic about many other factors which may abide and influence our children in their upbringings.

There is a huge difference between living in fear and living with fear about the uncertainty of the future well-being of our children. If we succumb to living in fear, then our normal way of life will be distorted and become unpleasant. But, if we live with fear, we can learn to develop tolerance and cope up with uncertainty and have a normal way of life. However, we seem to worry a lot about other things (like politics, career), but we are MUCH too busy to even think about the facts of life of our children. We are too busy to reach out to one another, to sit down and talk to our children and tell them that we care and love them. It seems that we don’t have the time to communicate with our children because we have many of them going astray. When we try to communicate with our children, too often we forget to listen to them. We do not talk with affection, but we talk with anger. We are often evaluating, judging, criticizing, moralizing, admonishing and commanding our children. Unfortunately, we are often so eager to get our own point across that we don't pay enough attention to their thoughts and feelings. We do not seek first to understand them because we don’t listen with the intent to understand. We have two ears and one tongue in order that we listen more and speak less. But it seems that we have one ear and two tongues because we speak more and listen less. We should usually learn a lot while we are listening, but we have learned nothing because we have been only talking all the time. In words and deeds our time with our children is very valuable because they need to be heard. Listening carefully helps a lot to better understand what our children really want to know as well as what they already understand. Listening to our children is critically important to establishing clear open communication because they need to know that we are really listening to them. Listening can be one of the easiest and yet most profound things we can do as parents and it is an essential cornerstone to any future relationship with our children. Thus, we need to make our children learn the facts of life, allow them to exercise their right to be moral beings, teach them patience and diligence and encourage them to be realistic and honest in their judgment.

There are a lot of sensitive topics and issues (sex, HIV/AIDS, violence, drugs and alcohol) we need to sit and discuss with our children. Sex is one of the most important topics we need to communicate with our children. Talking to our children about love, intimacy, and sex is an important part of good parenting. Parents can be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to talk to their children about these issues. It is important that we have an open relationship and our children can ask us about sex. One of the rules of thumb about discussions of this sort with children is to be sure to answer all their questions. The key to talking to children about sensitive issues such as sex first of all understands what we ourselves think and how we feel about what our children know and hear from others. Second, we need to understand what our children already understand and how they have interpreted it. Third, we need to understand their developmental capability in order to give them just enough information to expand their thinking without losing their interest or attention. Fourth, we need to put our facts together and have a good understanding about sex. Often parents have a lot of conflicted feelings on the subject. It is important to identify our own feelings so we can clearly distinguish when we are discussing our feelings and when we are discussing facts when talking to our children. It is essential to be careful not to give them the wrong impression or signal.

Raising children is probably the most gratifying job any of us will ever have and it is one of the toughest jobs a parent encounters in life. In large part, it is because times have changed and have become complicated. We live in an increasingly complex world that challenges us everyday with a wide range of disturbing and sensitive issues that are difficult for children to understand and for adults to explain. That is why many parents avoid or postpone the discussion about sex and sexuality. Most Eritrean men fear talking about emotions because they feel that it is a taboo and think that it reduces their male image. Eritrean women also do not talk about sex because they think that it is unethical or immoral, or they may even lack confidence about themselves with regard to sex. Both parents in most Eritrean households have great difficulties talking about sex with their children because the parents themselves have difficulties talking about their sexual relationships with their spouses. Thus, if we cannot openly talk about sex with our own spouses, how do we expect to communicate with our sons and daughters about sex and sexuality and other sensitive issues? If we feel uncomfortable talking about sex and relationships with our young children, we are not alone. Many parents of other cultures also feel awkward and uneasy to talk about sex. But, for our children's sake, we need to try to overcome our nervousness and have a good orientation about the subject and bring up the issue for discussion with our children.

Talking about sex may be uncomfortable for both parents and children. As parents we should respond to the needs and curiosity level of our individual child. Our children have different levels of curiosity and understanding depending upon their age and level of maturity. As children grow older, they would often like to ask their parents for more details about sex. Our children have their own words or unique language to explain for body parts. It is important to find out words they know and are comfortable with to make talking with them easier. Our children need input and guidance from us to help them make healthy and appropriate decisions regarding their sexual behavior since they can be confused and over stimulated by what they see and hear from their peers, or from a perfect stranger. Our children are already hearing about sex from TV, movies, commercial magazines and school friends, and that information may not include the values that we want our children to have. Information about sex obtained by our children from the Internet or other sources can often be inaccurate and/or inappropriate. Getting moral advice from a clergyman and sex orientation from a pediatrician, family physician, or other health professionals can be helpful, but it cannot be as adequate and affectionate as the advice received from parents. If we don't talk to our children early and often and answer their questions, they can get their facts from someone else and obviously we can miss an important opportunity to offer our children information that is not only accurate, but also loaded with our own cultural values and moral principles. We need to understand that parents are always the first and most essential teachers for their children. Our parental advice and constant enforcement for positive interaction and gentle consistent corrections when needed help our children develop a strong sense of self that help them carry more comfortably forward into adulthood.

It is important for parents and children to talk about the responsibilities and consequences that come from being sexually active. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted venereal diseases, and feelings about sex are important issues to be discussed between parents and children. Our teenagers may need some help dealing with the intensity of their own sexual feelings, confusion regarding their sexual identity and sexual behavior in a relationship. Some teenagers also struggle with conflicts around their family, religious or cultural values. Open communication and accurate information from parents increases the chance that teenagers will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of safe sex and birth control once they begin. We need to create an open environment for our children to feel comfortable enough to come to us with any questions and concerns that can give us the opportunity to give them guidance. Talking to our children can help them make the decisions that are best for them without feeling pressured to do something before they are ready. Helping children understand that these are decisions that require maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that they make good choices. As concerned and loving parents, it is our responsibility to make our children understand the objective realities of sex and help them to make appropriate decisions.

I am well aware that many of us do not have the ability to communicate, some of us have serious language barriers and others have short of listening skills. However, when we are talking to our children, it is important to try to talk to them with intimacy, love, and kindness to the best of our ability. As Mother Teresa said, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” The same thing holds true that we can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. As it has also been said, "Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice" and showing anger and disappointment. Our actions, behaviors and attitudes are the reflections of what we think about our children. To speak well is to think and mean well about them. It is up to us then to speak to our children with sparkling smile, with sincerity and with substance. It is not how much (quantity) we say but what and how (quality) we say things that determine our relationship with our children. We should all know from our experiences that how a person is told often is as important as what the person is told. In addition, the real communication is not only to say the right thing at the right time and place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the very tempting moment. We need to know and understand what to say, when to say and how to say things to our children. The greatest gift we can give our children is our "quality time" in which we can have the opportunity to hear our children's thoughts and feelings. Intimacy, touching and communicating all take time and make a difference in our relationships. We can establish special times with our children, for example, telling a story at bed time, by going out for a special lunch or dinner at a restaurant the children have chosen, going to a soccer game together, watching cultural shows and music, or taking our children to church or mosque, a museum or park. We need to leave behind some memorable moments to be cherished by our children in their lives. It is important to remember that the ultimate measure of our personality and integrity as good parents and rational human beings is the way we prepare and raise our children to be Eritreans at heart. Our own scholars and professional elites should have the initiative and commitment to make a difference in our communities by playing an important role in this endeavor.

As matured and civilized people, if you have sensible comments to make about my short article, my email is tgebrem@wvu.edu. It is also noble to share your perspective to your fellow Eritreans by sending your responses to the web sites. Thank you and God bless us all!