A TRIP FROM THE APPALACHIA TO THE SCANDINAVIA

Dr. Tesfa G. Gebremedhin

West Virginia University

Nowadays, terrorism is the most hated act of human beings in the world. But, terrorism as any phenomenon is nothing new. It has existed in various forms, in varying degrees, and in different magnitude for as long as the human race itself. At heart, every human being on this planet is just as capable of committing terrorist acts as the next one. Simply, terrorism is the achievement of certain goals or objectives by resorting to the use of force, influence, and by infusing into the victims, a sense of fear and a state of fright that gives the inflictor a psychological edge and dominance. The lack of parental care and neglect of children by their own parents is nothing different from the acts of terrorism. It is commonly observed in many places that many young boys and girls, ranging in age from puberty to full maturity, attempt suicide, become pregnant at a young age, get involved in drugs and other substance abuse, drop out of school, have problems with the law, run away from home, and stick with the wrong crowd mainly because of neglect and abuse by their parents. The children do a lot of ridiculous, preposterous and outrageous things despite the wishes and desires of their parents and communities who believe they are raising their children to be good people. Apparently many Eritrean parents have failed to fulfill their primary parental care and responsibilities. It is evident that a loss of moral ethics in our people in Diaspora, a rise in obsessive hatred and animosity among political groups, a decay of the family structure in many households, a flood of litigation for divorce in many homes, and the fragmentation of Eritreans due to backward sentiments and regional differences, or grouping and regrouping around antagonizing political lines, are currently endangering the survival of our children and creating serious social chaos and havoc in the Eritrean communities. Thus, in such confusing social disorder and dangerous family situations we are obviously defined as terrorists to our children and to our own communities. It is really a great challenge for all of us, young and old, to stand tall, strong and united in making a positive difference in our communities.

In view of the current unpleasant conditions of our children and deplorable situations of our communities in Diaspora, I have been conducting a series of seminars on “Youth and Parents Relationship in the Eritrean Communities” and “Building Eritrean Communities and Raising Eritrean Children in Diaspora” to the Eritrean Communities in many cities of the United States of America and Canada. And recently I made a crusade trip for six weeks departing from the mountain state of West Virginia located in the Appalachian region of the United States of America to the Scandinavian countries in Europe. I was invited by the Eritrean Communities in Sweden, Norway, Denmark, and Holland, to conduct a series of seminars to hundreds of Eritreans living in various cities of the region. I have given a total of 14 seminars in Stockholm, Gothenborg, Uppsala, Orebro, Oslo, Rotterdam, Amsterdam, and Copenhagen. The youth group in each town organized their respective seminars and the overall program in the region was organized and coordinated by two outstanding Eritreans located in Gothenborg, Sweden. I was glad that I could give seminars in Tigrinya both to the youth and parents. Unlike the youth in the United States and Canada, I am impressed that the youth in the Scandinavian countries have a good understanding of Tigrinya and have also kept in touch with their native cultural heritage. The seminars were undertaken with zeal and enthusiasm on my part and received with great interest and active participation by the audience. I believe it is a good beginning and success is inevitable if there is cooperation and support from others.

I have been asked by many Eritreans on whose advice or at whose urging I had set out upon this path to advocate the well-being of our children and welfare of our communities. I answered that I am neither a delegate nor a representative of any group of individuals or organization set out to propagate or advocate any political line on their behalf. Obviously, when I was traveling and conducting the seminars in various cities of Europe and North America, I could not afford to cover all the expenses associated with the trips. Usually, the Eritrean communities provided the transportation and lodging accommodations for the specific programs. However, I would like to indicate that I do not ask for honorarium, per diem or any other kind of remuneration for my community service. This program is a free of charge service to our children and to the Eritrean communities. If we are humble, willing and considerate, I am well convinced that every one of us has the time and ability to render such kind of sincere social service to the Eritrean communities.

I have also been asked many times both in Europe and North America, what motivates me to do what I am doing. My reply was that I have learned a lot of things from my wife who has a strong background in child care and development. She motivated me to read books and journal articles and learn a lot about the youth and parents relationship. I also made a serious observation of the relationship between parents and children and the situation of our Eritrean communities in Diaspora and rose up on my own will and concern to make myself valuable to our children and to the Eritrean communities at the expense of the quality time I should have spent with my wife and children. I am well aware that I may neither be strong enough nor powerful enough to change our current situation around, but I am confident enough that I can make a little difference in the survival of our children and sustenance of our communities. We all have the moral obligation, duty and responsibility to be socially connected and make a difference in our ethnic communities because we need to remember that our children are the children of Eritrea, the torchbearers of the future.

There were also questions in many places with respect to the common problems that may prevail in the Eritrean Communities and if the problems are similar both in Europe and North America. In general, the problems are quite similar or the same; they may vary in terms of intensity and magnitude. In all the places I have visited, our children indicated to me that the most common problem between the youth and parents is lack of communication. Usually the children indicate that parents are not around when they have problems; parents have serious language barriers because it is difficult for them to make the transition from the country they have come from to the country of residence; some parents start to be parents when the children are already in deep trouble; and parents also claim that they do not have the time to communicate with their children and do not realize with who their children are involved. Thus, the greatest gift we can give to our children is to commit our undivided attention and time. Many of us say that we are usually busy at wok or elsewhere while we have all the time to talk politics in the coffee shops and community centers which we could have used to talk at home about schools, sex, drugs, HIV/AIDS, and other important issues that directly or indirectly affect our children. It is obvious that our children need time and we also must provide time to our children – time to play ball with us; time to hold our hands and have a walk with us; time to go to church or mosque with us for moral and intellectual development; time to share their problems and receive advice and seek solutions from us; time to have family meetings to talk about sex and sexuality before the children make the wrong choices; time to express their ideas and learn our traditional wisdom and wit from us; and time to show their affection and enjoy their parental love and care. We must realize that quality family time is the ultimate luxury and the family members must spend it together harmoniously by creating recreational and educational activities.

As we are well aware, children are the joy in our lives. According to the Chinese parables, if we want to have happiness for an hour or two; we better drink a glass of wine. If we want to have happiness for a couple of days; we better kill a lamb and have a good dinner and lunch. If we want to have lifetime happiness; we better have a good family and raise children. If we have all the money to spend or own a huge size of financial resources, we still would not be able to buy happiness with all of our wealth. However, if we establish a solid family and have wonderful children, we will feel as if we own the whole world with all of its happiness and joy. Our children are the only ones over whom we have direct and immediate responsibility. The most important assets to develop, cultivate, and enhance in them are their own capabilities and the habits of leadership effectiveness for themselves and in doing so it will be the single best investment we can ever make in our children. To be really alive and say that we have a full life and happiness in this world, it is important that we are surrounded by the people who love us. If we have only one smile in us, let’s give it to the people we love, more specifically to our spouses, children, relatives, friends, and our ethnic communities.

Another important thing parents can do for their children is to love each other. The love of parents between each other indicates to the children that they have a strong family. A solid family becomes a platform for the children to establish a solid and formidable family when they grow up. It encourages them to build up self-confidence and develop self-reliance. The children will always aspire to establish the kind of family their parents have when the time comes. It is healthy and quite natural to observe a daughter aspiring to marry a young man who has similarities to her father and a son aspiring to marry a young girl who has characteristics of his mother. It is, therefore, important to evaluate what kind of family we have and in what environment we are raising our children. We need to understand that family is the foundation and the fundamental training school for children to be responsible adults. If they miss either the father or mother image when they are growing up, or if they are deprived of appropriate dual parental care in the household, their lives become incomplete and can easily lose the hopes and aspirations for life.

Parenting cannot be successful if we are not practicing and displaying the values of strong family. Good family life is never an accident, but always an achievement by those who share it. No success at work or any where else can compensate for family disaster and failure at home. We need to think twice and even more before we divorce our spouses because the negative impacts and consequences of a dysfunctional family or divorce are beyond the imagination of the children’s minds. We need to understand that most of the crimes and juvenile delinquencies are the manifestation and reflection of dysfunctional families. If children are raised in a decent family environment with love and caring, the probability of having delinquent children is significantly less than those raised by dysfunctional families. Our family structure and functions have to transpire in the lives of our children. It is, therefore, the responsibility of parents to establish a good family structure in which the children will have respect and pride about their parents. The communities and Eritrean scholars should play a critical and important role in providing parental skills and in preparing young Eritreans in Diaspora to be self-confident, responsible and productive citizens.

Our relationship with our families and in our own communities plays an important role in our lives. We live in a society with a diversity of cultures that expect a certain order and maturity in our behavior and leadership. We can not live isolated from our own fellow human beings. Although we might claim that we don't care what people think (or say) about us, we never stop caring and thinking consciously or unconsciously. Relationship is what life is all about. People are what we live for, particularly our own people. Every thing we do is related to our families and communities. We discover our role in life through our good relationship with our families and our communities. It is normal practice for conflicts to exist almost continuously in our families and communities. But when conflict is handled correctly through sincere relationship, we grow closer to each other. It is evident that every one of us needs love and moral support from our own communities. We all need attention and encouragement from our own people. We all need comfort when we are sad and appreciation when we are successful. If we disconnect our relationships with our families and our communities, it is like living in isolation in a jungle or desert and the consequences are loneliness and depression. We need to understand that we are not all the same. We hold varying and conflicting values and standards in life. We pursue divergent goals and objectives for our careers. We are all different in so many ways and similar in many other ways. If we are not sincere in our relationship, or if we do not appreciate our differences, hatred develops among ourselves and results in gossip, throwing unkind words, resorting to violence, and ultimately a breakdown in our relationships. We need to appreciate our differences because diversity in our personalities and behaviors can bring richness to life by enhancing mutual understanding and friendly relationships. Thus, coming together in our communities is a beginning; keeping together in our communities is progress; and working together in our communities for the welfare of our children is success. It is, therefore, necessary that we bring ourselves together and work together with respect and integrity as fellow Eritreans so that we can definitely be successful at home and at work in the countries of our residence. We should all be motivated to live up to our responsibility as community members to maintain harmonious relationships within our families and in our own communities.

We should seriously introduce a free intellectual dialogue and open safe communication lines among ourselves, without character assassination and outright antagonism, in order to bring us all together to address real relationship issues of families and communities and seek appropriate solutions to our social problems. As matured and civilized people, if you have sensible comments to make about this article, my email is tgebrem@wvu.edu. It is also noble to share your perspective and wisdom to your fellow Eritreans by sending your responses to the web sites. Thank you and God bless us all!