Parenting is a learned skill, not inborn
Dr. Tesfa G. Gebremedhin, 12 Nov 2004
West Virginia University

Since parenting is such an integral part of our everyday life, our ability in raising children has usually been taken for granted and has always been, in part, considered as a function of our instincts. The secret of good parenting is just as much about good training as it is about instinct. Parenting is a necessary skill, like most other skills, it is not inborn. We learn and acquire our cultural parenting skills, just as we learn and acquire our other social skills and manners. Many of us think that getting married and having children will automatically make us real parents. Many of us also think that parenting is the sole responsibility of the wife or mother and naturally she is expected to know better than the father in raising children. Traditionally, we think that a man has nothing to do with caring and nurturing children; his only responsibility is to provide the household with food, clothing and shelter. In fact, parenting is the responsibility of both parents and the art or skill of parenting does not come naturally as most of us think. It is a skill that should be acquired by both parents mostly through self-training and practicing and lessons learned from their parents and others. 

Parenting is the reflection of our attitudes and personalities developed and acquired from our parents, communities and from other experiences over the years. Consequently, each of us has our own parenting style that is unique to our particular personality characteristics and philosophies on how children should be raised. Generally, these styles encompass some basic ideas on discipline, relationship building, and expectations. Often our parenting styles are greatly influenced by those we experienced at the hands of our own parents when we were children. We are likely to incorporate into our own style some aspects of our parents' styles. For example, most of us have had the experience of finding ourselves repeating key phrases our parents used, or maybe employing a disciplinary technique that was most familiar to us when we were children. At the same time, we might develop a parenting style that seems to be the opposite of those of our parents', especially if we feel there was something objectionable or ineffective in their style, or if the style does not go along with the modern social environment we live in. Whichever the case, it is helpful for all of us to examine our own particular style and see if it is effective in leading our children toward the desired goals of developing healthy, independent, productive and responsible citizens who are also capable of participating in close relationships with us and others in our Eritrean communities.

We, as parents, often feel controlled by our children's misbehaviors because we do not know how to raise our children in Diaspora. We must admit that there is a big generation gap between us and our children. We grew up in a different and traditional culture and we try to raise our children the way we were raised in Eritrea. Some of us desperately even have sent our children back to Eritrea for proper social training and disciplinary measures. Our children are then caught in conflict between two cultures – the Eritrean and the American or other cultures when they are growing up. Consequently, some confrontation, defiance, disrespect, and outright disobedience may be reflected from our children because we have different values and perspectives. It so happens that most of the time and most of us may wake up and pay so much attention particularly when our children mess up their lives. This is because we usually forget to notice the cooperative and peaceful times we could have had with our children if we had started parenting effectively at an early age. We should be aware that parenting programs at the community level can teach us how to pay attention to and how to increase the times when our children's behavior is good. It can also teach us effective limit-setting skills and control so that we will not feel controlled and frustrated by the negative behaviors and actions of our children. We need to learn the skills of effective praising, loving and how to set up special incentive systems for motivating cooperative behavior. We need to understand that the love that is expressed in a simple act to our children and others is one of the most profound ways that we can experience love and friendship in our society.

By putting the blame neither on the parents nor on the children, the parents-children relationship has been assaulted from many directions these days. Some parents are under the gun of mounting economic pressures resulting in long work hours, and often more than one job to maintain the livelihood of their households plus to sustain the survival of their extended families in Eritrea. Our twenty-four hours a day culture has created a job market that never goes to sleep, and many parents find themselves working many hours outside of the usual nine to five workday. This economic situation leaves big gaps in childcare arrangements, especially since the school day has continued to remain somewhere the same between the hours of seven o’clock in the morning and four o’clock in the afternoon. Another cultural development that has significantly impacted the family is the explosion of mass media and mass communication, particularly the Internet with unlimited exposure to negative information. This evolutionary step in technology has permanently changed the environment within which parents are trying to monitor and control the development of their children. This massive exposure to all kinds of information, and particularly information that is unhealthy or beyond the scope of a child's developmental age, has placed parents in the untenable position of battling outside influences that tear at the parents-children relationship rather than assisting to safeguard family values, parental guidelines, and promote normal psychological growth.

All of the above mentioned hurdles are exacerbated if some of us happen to be single-parents trying to be and do all together as fathers and mothers in raising children. These parents are often just plain tired and worn out, and the idea of trying to sift through the problems that confront their children after a long workday when it is time to cook dinner, check children’s homework, have a friendly and family talk with children, and get everyone into bed can seem daunting to say the least. Likewise, raising children in modern societies is a challenging task especially to some Eritreans. Most Eritreans in Diaspora who came as refugees to America, Europe, Canada, Australia, or to other places, did not have the opportunity to learn parenting skills from their parents because they did not have a normal life as they left home when they were very young. They have gone through many difficult situations and faced a diversity of cultural adjustments in different places as they were trying to find places to settle down. These peculiarities and uncertainties made their situation more difficult for them to raise children who are successful and achieving adults. Nevertheless, parents under any situation need to understand that the strength of the parents-children relationship is more important than anything else as it is our primary means of keeping our children safe, helping them to navigate the world, and assisting them to develop personal strengths for making the right choices. The problem is how to make sure that the parents-children relationship gets strong and meets the children's needs in spite of some of the unique circumstances confronted by some parents. For many of us, the relationship with our children is already in need of repair and it can be put in order by keeping communication open and positive. Family life does not have to be a battleground between children and parents. Parents and youth can live together peacefully and harmoniously if parents know what to expect and if they are willing to make adjustments in the way they think and in the way they live.

Establishing a strong parents-youth relationship is very important. However, each of our children is a one-of-a-kind person. We should not make the mistake of lumping them into a one-size-fits-all relationship. We need to handle each child's idiosyncrasies a little differently because they may vary tremendously in characteristics, personality, sensitivity, and perspective despite the fact that they may come from the same father and mother. For instance, our son who is very quiet and kind may sometimes respond negatively with displeasure or discontent when we casually reprimand him for not cleaning his room or the bath room, but our middle daughter who is outspoken and funny may respond to our reprimand in good humor and sensitivity. The point is that the sooner we catch on to the differences in our children's personalities, the better our relationships will be, especially as we learn the importance of really listening to our children and practicing positive talk and speaking openly. We need to be careful about not talking at but talking to and with our children. We also need to initiate healthy discussions with them and assure them to turn to us, as their parents, whenever they have problems. 

Listening to our children is one of the greatest ways we can demonstrate our love to them. Listen closely when our children tell us their feelings and make sure our children know we understand and accept what they are feeling. Why is listening so important? Because it's the only way we can find out what our children are thinking, how they might be hurting, and what makes them angry. How can we help them if we don't know what's on their minds? It would be a perfect world if our children always would tell us what's bothering them, and we could always be there for them with some type of a solution or moral support. Well, the world isn't perfect, but we can still try as hard as possible to get inside our children’s heads. If we want to have a heart-to-heart chat with our children and get them talking, let’s wait for the most convenient time and place.

We need to understand that the main advice given to parents is that we need to spend time with our children. This is absolutely true and there really is no way to get around this very important advice. The gift of time is the proof of our caring and love. When we spend time with our children we are saying with our actions: “I love you and I would rather be with you than doing anything else.” This is one of the best ways that we can show our love to our children. It is also one of the greatest blessings from the almighty God. We need to be aware that all relationships are built upon contact that is characterized by caring, dependability, trust, empathy, acceptance, energy, love, and time. Relationships that are not tended to and nurtured on a regular basis become problematic and eventually erode or break down. So, the first rule of thumb is that we must figure out a way to make some personal time with our children that is separate from the time that we use for discipline or other tasks. The second part of the equation has to do with how the personal time is to be used and what is to be accomplished as a result. One essential activity is talking about some important topics like sex and sexuality, HIV/AIDS, drugs, education and career building.

For instance, research studies carried out in the United States of America on Eritrean and Ethiopian immigrants in the west coast, concluded that Eritrean parents are the non-preferred source of sex education and are not adequately knowledgeable about sexuality. The study added that the knowledge of young Eritrean-Americans about sexuality is incomplete and insufficient to avoid HIV/AIDS risk-taking behaviors. It has also been observed in the study that strong cultural gender norms discourage effective communication between Eritrean parents and youth about sex and minimize women’s sexual decision-making abilities. To this effect, it is not advisable to set aside a special time for serious conversation with our children. Generally it works best, with teens in particular, if it is more spontaneous and occurs at a time when they are not distracted by other activities. Conversation is not just for teens, but can begin as early as our children learn to talk. The idea is to establish the habit of conversing in an open manner so that our children feel free to express their feelings and ideas to us as well as to feel that they can gain our support when a problem occurs. Through conversation we can understand and learn from our children the life and world they are living in as they can learn from us our feelings and love for them. Objectively, our youth needs to meet the challenges of developing a progressive culture of their generation based on the cultural heritage, wisdom and wit of their forefathers and mothers. They will definitely need our support to meet the challenges of combating the negative influences and temptations they may encounter in the process of growing up.

When we try establishing the principles of positive thinking, enhancing self-control, cultivating self-esteem, teaching the value of education, enforcing good manners and developing strong faith, and adding a reverence for the sanctity of all life from the very beginning, we are instilling the most important social values and planting the seeds of a character trait that can serve as a strong support for success in any endeavor. If we give a mixture of all these things to our children, we will be well on our way to fulfilling our duties as parents and sharing with them the tools that will allow them to experience the best that life has to offer. To be able to provide the necessary tools for success to our children, efforts should be made for parents to meet in community centers to share and gain emotional and social support from each other and to learn about child development. Parenting programs and support groups can be organized at the community level, if solid and viable Eritrean communities are established. Parenting programs must be designed by the community based on the diversified experience of community members aimed to improve parental effectiveness by providing a clear parenting philosophy and a set of skills and strategies that can be used immediately to address a variety of child-rearing challenges and problems. We must remember that “A river can’t rise beyond its source. What is in the seed determines the fruit.” So also our children can not rise beyond their parents because the kinds of parents we are determine the kinds of children we raise. The measure of our success in raising our children is how well we develop and prepare our children for life. Obviously, if we have dysfunctional families and disintegrated communities, we will have dysfunctional children. Likewise, if we have solid families and viable communities, we will have decent and healthy children. Whichever option we would like to take remains to be our collective and individual choice. I hope it will be the latter. 

Please, pray to almighty God to bless us to do the right thing with affection for the sake of our children. As matured and civilized people, if you have sensible comments to make about my Note, or if you care to share your noble perspective to your fellow Eritreans in the absence of character assassination and personal attack, my E-mail is tgebrem@wvu.edu. Thank you.