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Cultural conflict and falling in love beyond our borders
Falling
in love is a powerful natural attraction felt by a person towards another
person. We all know that falling in love is the beginning of genuine love. We
think love for each other would conquer all, never the less, do not
underestimate the depth of the roots of your own upbringing. Yes, it is
possible to change to accommodate our needs, but no matter how deep you dig,
you will always be you. Your beliefs, your emotions, your priorities, in
short, your whole approach to life, are shaped by the culture in which you
were brought up. Unless you are prepared to accept cheerfully whatever ideas
or beliefs your partner may consider most important, I would suggest at least
find out what those beliefs are before jumping into a permanent relationship
with that person. I met a young man emigrated from Eritrea an early age, he
started his journey in California and ended up in Oregon. He has a
well-established plan to progress his life; however, he is unsettled due to
diverse cultural background he is in, East African and Western culture. He is
exposed by both extreme cultures, and he is always furious about dating from
his own circle, culture, background etc. or not. I see him more puzzled and
less tolerant to the cultural conflict and falling in love beyond our borders.
He shared his concern with me. I am willing to write this article if I can
clear some of the hindrances.
Cultures
are like a hidden river that runs through our lives and relationships, giving
us messages that shape our perceptions, attributions, judgments, and ideas of
self and other. Though cultures are powerful, they are often unconscious,
influencing conflict and attempts to resolve conflict and they are always
changing, and they relate to the symbolic dimension of life, and who we are
in the world and in relation to others – at least to say our identities. As
the world integrates, more and more people are leaving their motherland to
visit, study and work overseas people will have more opportunities to meet
prospective partners from other culture than they had in the past. Certainly
we can benefit from cultural difference yet they also have to face the
challenges resulted from it. Arranged marriages are not only a norm, it is a
marriage arranged to varying degrees depending on how much a young girl or
boy participates in the process of selecting her or his mate.
A
marriage derives its roots from the need to start a family. Arranged
marriages are common in the Middle East, Africa and Asia. They are unions
planned and fixed mutually by the parents or extended families of the girl
and the boy. Today, arranged marriages are simple as parents giving the
options to their son or daughter. The brides and bridegrooms become
commodities to each other as they choose between options like race,
nationality, and financial status. According to many philosophers, the only
goal of life is to be happy, to love and be loved. Love is essentially an
abstract concept, much easier to experience than to explain. Relying on
family to select a potential spouse is considered an advantage as they have
years of wisdom and experience. If anything, the family wants to provide
their children with protection, security and happiness.
Love
marriages are ideally based on friendship, respect, familiarity and
understanding of each other. Although love alone does not keep the ship
afloat, it gives way to learn more about the relationship during the
inevitable trials and tribulations, and learn more about one another may not
afforded in certain cultures. Today online matchmaking systems are a popular
worldwide method of finding mates. There are online matchmaking web sites in
the United States that specializes in finding compatible matches by inputting
all your preferences and requirements. It is very much like an arranged
marriage. No matter how we look at it, society is always
transforming because of the sentiments of people and their variable mind
set. Due to their changed classification and accomplishment, arranged
marriages have a renewed hope. In essence, we are going back to our roots.
In
my opinion, a successful unity between two people requires willingness,
compromise, love and dedication. A true relationship gives us a chance to be
open to handle things together rather than alone is a big change in our
lives. If welcoming this change no doubt we are developing a perfect
situation, so a perfect marriage or match is when we are welcomed, tried and
very importantly accepted changes. When people plan to marry, they expect to
find in their partner not only a lover but also a friend, and a person with
whom they can share their opinions, feeling, thoughts and uncertainties. In
marriage, we are looking for a partner who will be able to understand our
values, our likes and dislikes. If a man and a woman are born and raised in
the same country, most likely they are familiar with the same songs, movies,
jokes, books and life in general. We are able to say they have the same
roots.
Problems
and conflicts often involve with assumptions and expectations that are so
much a part of our background fabric and identity that we are not even
intentionally aware of them. Partners must explore their core beliefs and
first feel clear about their own identity before deciding how these beliefs
will interlock with their partners. When we decide to form a martial bond
would be appropriate to negotiate our differences, we should understand that
we are two individuals from two different families form a new identity and
must choose what traditions, habits and beliefs to bring into our marriage.
Marriage means is not only finding the right person but also being ready to
be the right person as well. This process is more complex for couples who are
from different cultures, races and religions. Interracial relationships could
have special challenges, but also special rewards for those who are willing
to manage differences in core beliefs not only with our partners, but also
with our families, communities and society. Whatever decisions and choices we
make as a couple about resolving and managing our cultural, religious and
racial differences will affect our children and we need to pay more attention
throughout their childhood.
In
conclusion, I dare to say there is no Mr. /Ms. Right made for us. We think we
were a perfect match, but due to lack of understanding and mental compatibility,
we easily move apart. Therefore, it is important you know your partner. We
can conclude by the quote of Barnett Brickner, which says it, all that
"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right
mate, but through being the right mate." Understanding cultural
differences and similarities related to marriage is important. Traditions,
saying, beliefs, language, and values are just a few things that make up our
culture. Culture is the framework in which families are structured. It shapes
our expectations and ideals. Culture plays a part in the meaning of marriage
and our roles as husbands, wives, children and parents.
Dr. Ghirmai T Kefela, Ph.D. - Int. Business - Vancouver WA
- 03/16/2008
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